Day 23: Post a Day for May: What I didn’t learn at school

1. It doesn’t matter if you’re not an athlete.

2. Don’t judge a person until you’ve walked a mile in his or her shoes.

3. There are more things in this world that are grey than are black or white.

4. Never date a man who wears more jewellery than you do.

5. Who you are and how you treat people is more important than where you live, what you wear or what you do for a living.

6. Speak your truth with grace and love.

7. Never trust a woman whose thighs don’t touch at the top.

8. Time flies, whether you’re having fun or not. Squeeze the life out of each moment.

9. Difficulties seem darker and more terrible at night. The morning brings new light in every way.

10. Love is all you need. Sometimes cheesecake. And coffee.

Day 22: Post a Day for May: And that’s another thing…

You know…I got nothing. I have been sitting here trying to get sufficiently riled up about something to justify stepping up on the soapbox, but…nothing. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

In fact, I am making a conscious attempt to not get so worked up that I have to shout from the rooftops. I imagine being a pebble in the stream. Pebble in the stream…pebble in the stream…

But let me say this.

Some midwife or other should have told me, at some stage or another, that there was a very real possibility that I would STILL be getting up to my child more nights than not WHEN SHE IS NEARLY 4 YEARS OLD!

That is all.

Day 21: Post a Day for May: Swimming laps

I’m supposed to link to my favourite posts from my archives. I’m not sure that any of my posts have been cellared long enough for me to choose a favourite. But I did enjoy writing my post about missing my mum. These days, remembering her generates wells of happiness and gratitude for her rather than sorrow that she is not here. And I enjoyed writing the childhood memories post too. I found little snippets of memory floating out, unbidden, from hiding places.

I am enjoying the challenge of writing daily, the writer’s equivalent of swimming laps. It feels good to stretch my writing muscles again. Thanks for watching me crawl up and down that pool.

Day 20: Post a Day for May: A day late

You know that moment where you say “Hey! I’ve done it! I’ve posted something every day for nearly three weeks?” Well, I had that moment yesterday. Right before that moment where I said “Stuff, it…I’m going to bed”.

So no post yesterday, sorry. Yesterday’s topic was actually quite a meaty one. It challenged me to “get real” and share something I’m struggling with right now. When I mentioned it to my husband, he glanced at the ball of yarn and crochet hook I’d been wrestling with since Sunday and said “Well…”.

While I won’t subject you to a dissertation on crocheting’s ups and downs and ins and outs, the tragedy of a missing double crochet and the heartbreaking disappointment of split yarn, his comment did get me thinking about something I struggle with – patience.

When I learn something new, begin something new, discover something new, I want to be good at it – excel at it. even – immediately. I find it very difficult to stick with things if I don’t see immediate results. Someone once told me they thought that learning patience was my life lesson, and perhaps they weren’t far off the mark.

So as I struggle to complete my first granny square, and I struggle to keep writing, and I feel impatient with how slowly my course of study is going, I am trying – daily – to become just a little easier about the time it takes to get to where I want to be. And I’m trying to enjoy more of the scenery along the way.

And now, back to wrestling with that granny square.

Day 19: Post a Day for May: Five Bloggy Bloggers

Five blogs I like and why:

The Better Man Project – I have some great men in my life and my husband is one of them. This blogger is capturing his journey to becoming a better man. I like his style.

John Shore – trying God’s patience since 1958. This guy founded the Unfundamentalist Christians, whose motto is “Above all, love”. If you are sick to death of the hypocrisy shown by many so-called “Christians”, check out this guy’s blog and his 16 tenets. Besides, he’s bloody funny and a great writer.

Speaking of bloody funny, anybody with kids or anybody who knows anybody with kids should take a peek at Jason Good‘s blog. This guy makes me laugh so hard, I snort coffee out my nose.

Then there’s this blog by a writer who set himself the challenge of writing something, anything, every single day for a year. Anyway, that was in 2010 and he’s still blogging. A visit to The Curse of Future Tom offers bits and pieces of all sorts of things. It’s like sitting down at a slightly edgy cafe and saying “bring me whatever’s good”. I haven’t dug very far into the blog, but so far what’s been dished up has been pretty darn good.

I spent today learning how to crochet at the Sydney HQ of Hamlin Fistula Ethiopia. If you don’t know the story of the amazing work that Drs Catherine and the late Reg Hamlin have done in Ethiopia healing women suffering the degrading and humiliating health condition of obstetric fistula, then get off the couch and learn about it. Anyhoo…at today’s one-day workshop we learned how to crochet granny squares to be made into shawls for the patients of the Hamlin Fistula Hospital. That’s all by way of introduction to the final blog I like…Crochet with Raymond – sadly, this blog is now closed but check out some of the beautiful designs! But, seriously, please take two minutes to learn a little about Hamlin Fistula Ethiopia. Their work is something I feel incredibly strongly about.

And with that…thank you and good night.

Day 18: Post a Day for May: Childhood memories

Today’s task is to write a story from my childhood – to paint a picture of a particularly vivid memory. But today, none of those memories will come easily and I’m tired. Instead, the memories come in short, sharp snaps – like flickering images on a Viewmaster.

An annual pilgrimage to the mid-north-coast of NSW for three weeks in an old, wooden cottage. 700 kilometres in a Tropicana Green Ford Falcon 500 without air-con, and with at least three of us riding in the tray. No seat belts required. Sometimes we would travel by night to avoid the heat, spend the day at an inland motel, splashing in the pool and shivering in relief while my father slept before the next leg.

Weekends spent building cubby houses in the bush. No parent in sight, although I have since learned that we were usually in someone’s sight. Watching for snakes, finding old saucepans or things to furnish our lean-to.

My first ever visit to the theatre – to see Camelot, at the age of 8. I can still remember the red ribbons I wore in my hair, my sister complaining as she tried to wrestle tangles from my head in the car. I remember shivering in the cold Canberra night, snow-kissed wind fresh off the Brindabellas. So excited as I sat in the theatre. I can still remember lyrics from the songs.

Illness. Dizziness, a migraine. Worst. Sore. Throat. Ever. Trips to the doctor holding a bucket. Glandular fever at 11. A temperature of 40 degrees celsius. Weeks spent sleeping on the lounge where mum could care for me.

Gifts I loved: my Viewmaster. The wardrobe of beautiful clothes my mother stayed up sewing for a tiny doll I received for Christmas. A portable sewing machine (the tension was never, ever right). My lifesaver raft.

My first ever crush: started in kindergarten and was still going strong at the end of primary school. “You look nice, tonight”, he wrote in my graduation book. “Stay  nice”. Valentines day flowers – three carnations, and a note: letters cut from Women’s Weekly and stuck on an envelope. Later I found out that they were from him. He had asked his mother to buy them and he had put them at my front door. The course of true love never did run smooth. I wonder what happened to him?

Day 17: Post a Day for May: What the camera caught

I love this photo. It was taken at the wedding reception of two very dear friends. I had met them only two days earlier, when we arrived in Hamburg after a week in a beautiful, sun-drenched Parisienne apartment and a few days in the captivating city of Amsterdam.

Scott had known them for many years and attending their wedding was a very meaningful experience for him. It was also very meaningful for me: I have rarely felt so immediately close to and understood by near strangers. Of course, I have now known them for five years and they are often in my thoughts.

While this photo reminds me of our honeymoon, it also reminds me of the wonderful elixir that true friendship is for our wellbeing and happiness.

Day 16: Post a Day for May: The Black Dog

Today is a grey day. I can hear the black dog scratching at the door. He is not the kind of dog you let in willingly. When he visits, life gets harder. The wind is colder. Daily life is more complex than I care to think about. I know that I have a lot to be thankful for, but can’t quite see the point.

I have depression. I don’t find it at all difficult to talk about, except in a very practical sense: I don’t like the term “suffering depression” so I tend to stick to “having” depression.

My depression was diagnosed by my GP when I was around 22 or 23, I think, but I know that I had struggled with my mental health for many years before that. I can recall significant depressive episodes following minor illnesses when I was thirteen and fourteen and I know that I was referred by a doctor to a psychiatrist for a period when I was around 15. I don’t really recall why and, since my mum is no longer here to ask, I probably never will.

I made it through university and into the workforce, but found myself daily wondering why I didn’t feel anything. Anything at all. I was visiting the GP for an unrelated something-or-other when she asked me to complete a depression inventory. I scored alarmingly high.

I have, at various times, tried to beat the black dog without drug assistance but that damn hound keeps biting me and dragging me down. Life is better for me, and for those who love me, if I am on anti-depressants.

I also undertook 6 years of psychotherapy, which was the best investment I ever made.

How am I working to overcome my “lot in life” (as the blogging challenge for today asks)?

I’m not. I am working only to live with it. My depression is part of who I am. It is tied to my sensitivity, my empathy, my creativity and my emotional intelligence. I will never be without it, so I accommodate it. I accept that, despite my best efforts to keep the gate shut, that damn dog will come nosing around for food now and then. And all I can really do it keep him off the bed and on as tight a lead as possible.

Day 15: Post a Day for May: A day in the life

7:00am: Open one eye. Bid husband farewell. Realise I’ve just had a full night’s sleep (see yesterday’s post re things that make me really happy). Drift off to la la land again.

7:30am: Wake to a loud and insistent “Muuuuummmmm!”. Mouse is awake and in fine voice. Steer her towards the toilet, make tea, get her some milk. Return to bed, Mouse in tow.

8:00am:

Tea is gone. Better get up.

10:30am: Strap Mouse into her seat and head to Coles to buy bread rolls for an outing to Featherdale Wildlife Park. Pick up a bag of cheese and bacon rolls (mmm…bacon). Feel guilty because Coles bakery uses palm oil in its bread. Get over it. Buy the rolls.

11:30am: Arrive at Featherdale, at the same time as our partners in crime, Janine and Winnie. Spend all my coins on wallaby food only to see this expression:

12:15pm: Lunch. There are four of us. There are four rolls. An ibis and a peacock benefit from Mouse’s fine pitching arm. Janine and I split a roll.

1:00pm: How far from the exit are we likely to be when Mouse decides she’s had enough for the day? As far as possible.

2:30pm: Home.

2:35pm:

3:00pm: Let’s make biscuits!

4:00pm: Tea. Blessed tea.

4:30pm: Let’s do craft! Really? You sure? Two grumpy monsters.

5:30pm: Absolutely everything I need to start getting dinner ready is mid-cycle in the dishwasher. Make tea and watch Octonauts.

6:20pm: Mouse ties a toy fishing net to my sweatshirt so that “even if we’re not holding hands, I can still go everywhere with you”. Given that I haven’t peed without her in more than 2 years I’m not sure how things will be different.

6:40pm: Beloved husband home. Mouse showers him with every piece of “craft” we made today.

7:15pm: Channel Super-Nanny and call time out following an incident involving Mouse’s teeth and my hand.

7:50pm: Post-Where-is-the-Green-Sheep-discussion includes a request from Mouse to go to the Bowling Club for lunch tomorrow. She asks what she might have for lunch. I suggest fish and chips. “I love fish and chips,” she says. “Particularly I love chips.”

8:30pm: End of my Tour of Duty. Mouse asleep. Beloved makes me tea and brings me a biscuit. Bless.

8:45: Loving Adam Hills Tonight on the ABC. And blogging.

Day 14: Post a Day for May: 10 things that make me really happy

1. A full night’s sleep.

2. Salt air in a small, seaside town.

3. My family.

4. Friends who’ve become family.

5. Beautiful writing, beautiful music, beautiful art.

6. My daughter’s laughter.

7. My faith.

8. Cheesecake.

9. Fresh flowers.

10. The triumph of right over might.